Dirty Porthos
by asearcher
Summary: An away mission that shouldn't have posed a problem ends up with unexpected consequences for Archer.  Set in 2nd season between 'A Night in Sickbay' and 'Marauders.'  Written to the November challenge 'cave' at The Delphic Expanse.'


Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to Mareel for betaing.

Dirty Porthos

The angle Archer had to turn his head to look at Malcolm wasn't comfortable, not that it was the only reason he didn't want to turn his head. He simply didn't want to look into those eyes. The disappointment and accusation he knew he'd find in them was really too much to take, especially since he knew those feelings were justified. Still, he was the captain and at the moment he really didn't want to deal with this. "That's enough, Lieutenant. I know you feel I didn't take the proper precautions."

"No, you didn't, Captain," Reed continued tenaciously. "You ignored my reasonable suggestion that you bring Security with you on the away mission. You could have been killed."

"It's not like things like this happen on every mission. It's probably the only time it'll ever happen." Archer rationalized, before a slight moan exited him. "Phlox, are you sure this is necessary?"

"The osmotic eel is the recommended treatment for a sustained plasma burn. You know that."

"The last time you sedated me for six hours," the injured man reminded him. "Can't you do that again?"

"We've gone over your treatment options, Captain. Sedating you would require giving you something to prevent movement so you wouldn't roll over and damage the eel. However, since that wouldn't wear off for at least eight hours…"

"I'm not going to be out of commission for eight hours, Phlox. Not with what we found on the planet."

"Which is why you should have had a larger landing party," Reed added as if he'd scored a point.

Archer's annoyance was again confirmed by his barely audible growl. "We didn't know what we were going to find. All indications were that this was a nice, uninhabited planet. I just wanted to put my feet on solid ground again. We haven't passed this close to a near-Minshara class planet in weeks."

"I'll be back to check on you in a moment," the doctor said, leaving the two men alone again.

The Brit continued, "And as I suggested, there might be other species that might find such a planet interesting as well."

Archer had to give him that. When they'd discovered the planet three light years off their mission path, it had appeared totally innocuous. Knowing that the Starfleet terra forming research team would love to use a planet like this to test new techniques, he and Travis had gone down to check it out. He'd brought Porthos with him as a treat to the canine. He hadn't taken the dog down to a planet since his 'apology performance.' Never knew when there would be a sacred tree around.

The good lieutenant, however, had not been in agreement with his assessment. He recalled the conversation.

"_Sir, I believe it would be a good idea for you to take a security…"_

"_It's just a quick trip down and back up. There'd be nothing for security to do," Archer had responded._

"_That is yet to be seen. How many times have things surprised us in the past year and a half? Psychoactive pollen? Terrorist kidnappers? Tandaran spies?"_

"_And we've run multiple scans. There doesn't appear to be anything that would cause any problems." Before his tactical officer could say anything more, Archer put his hand up. "You can keep the second shuttlepod on alert but there is absolutely no reason that Travis and I can't handle anything we find down there._

_Famous last words_. As much as he wanted to believe Malcolm was wrong about the possibility of his being killed, under the circumstances, he'd been lucky.

He and Travis had gone down to the surface and he'd let Porthos have a good run. Everything was fine until the little dog had found the cave.

_Why did it always have to be caves?_ He mused with frustration before another sharp pain bit into his backside. He let out an exasperated sigh.

"You still haven't explained how you got shot," Reed reiterated. Even without looking up, Archer could tell he had his arms crossed. "Travis won't tell me. He said under the circumstances, I needed to hear it from you or not at all."

"I don't blame him," Archer remarked under his breath. He realized that he needed to come completely clean with Reed or the man would never let this go. Once that roadblock was passed, he started to provide the details. "As I told you before, Porthos went into an opening in the rock. I called for him and he didn't come out so I slithered in to retrieve him. That's when I found that the opening widened into a cave. The debris I slid through must have affected the sidearm connection on my thigh since the phase pistol wouldn't stay attached after that. "

The security chief nodded. This was consistent with what the captain had told him at the initial debriefing when the man had been vague and uncharacteristically mute about the cause of the accident. "We've analyzed the residual material from your uniform. It produces an anti-magnetic field."

"I figured something like that must have happened. In any case, once inside, I saw the electronic scanners spaced inside the crevices."

"If you hadn't seen them, we'd likely be in worse shape now."

"Don't remind me. If the Klingons were out for blood because we saved one of their ships, I really don't want to think of how they'd act if we disturbed their hidden weapons depot. I figured it was likely we'd set off an alarm and the owners of the weapons might check to see if everything was okay."

"So you decided to leave. This still doesn't explain how you managed to get shot in your…um…"

"Buttocks," Phlox supplied as he walked back into the curtained area to check on his patient. "The eel is doing remarkable work, Captain. The fact that your injury was in an area of your anatomy with a bit more adipose tissue appears to be in your favor."

Reed tried to stifle a small laugh. Instead it came out as a snort.

Archer turned his head to his tactical officer, uncomfortable or not, with a glare in his eyes. It gave him great satisfaction that Reed's expression immediately quenched the amusement he'd apparently felt at Phlox's description. "That would be appreciated, Doc," he answered the Denobulan. The physician grinned and left once more.

"Sir, back to the specifics of your injury?"

"I was getting to it. On the way back to the shuttle, Travis slipped on some scree. He didn't fall far but I needed both hands to help him up, so I put my phase pistol down on a rock. I was sure I put the safety on."

"If only you and Travis were on the planet, I fail to see who could have shot you."

Jon squirmed a bit before answering, "You forgot Porthos."

"Your dog, sir?" Reed asked with confusion in his voice.

"Yeah. Porthos, but it's not his fault. He was apparently curious about what Travis and I were doing and in getting a good position to see he stepped on the pistol which then went off. He didn't know that a sustained plasma beam would cause this. I'm just glad Travis was able to call him and he jumped off the trigger."

This time the laugh couldn't be stopped although Reed gave it a good try. "Your dog shot you?"

Years from now Archer felt he might be able to appreciate the humor of the situation but at the moment, his pride was severely damaged. In more ways than one. "Now you know, but I warn you, Lieutenant, no one else had better ever learn of this."

Still grinning, Reed nodded. "Yes, sir. Porthos may be seen as a stunning canine but not in that way. Thank you for being honest with me. I'll leave you to Dr. Phlox's capable hands." He started to walk away before turning back for a final word. "Of everyone on the ship, Porthos is the last one I would have thought could use that line from last night's movie."

Archer had been working on reports and hadn't attended movie night and thus didn't understand the reference. "I didn't see it."

"Let's just say I'll never hear the question 'do you feel lucky' quite the same way again." With that the security chief turned to leave sickbay chuckling all the way to the door.


End file.
